The Boundary Empowerment Roadmap

Introduction: Why are Boundaries So Difficult?

Many of us want to hold stricter boundaries, both with ourselves and with others. This could include saying "no" to certain commitments, asserting ourselves when we're treated poorly or are uncomfortable with the direction of a conversation or project, or protecting our time for our highest priorities. However, even when we desire to hold a boundary, sometimes we find it difficult to follow through.

Why are boundaries so hard to hold despite our best intentions? I've created this roadmap to help you:

  • 1. Identify Your Personal Boundary Saboteurs

    Even when we desire to hold a boundary, sometimes we find it difficult to follow through. We'll examine the internal voices that create doubt, confusion, or emotional turmoil, ultimately disrupting our ability to protect our time, energy, and emotions.

  • 2. Explore Innovative Ways to Tackle Your Boundary Saboteurs

    Experience the transformative power of creative exercises drawn from various psychotherapeutic approaches, designed to help you gain new insights, perspectives, and strategies for overcoming the internal voices that hinder your boundary-setting efforts.

  • 3. Combat Post-Boundary-Setting Anxiety

    The emotional discomfort and anxiety that can occur after setting a boundary, whether or not we experience pushback. Post-boundary-setting anxiety can lead us to walk back our boundaries or reduce our likelihood of setting them in the future.

  • 4. Celebrate Your Victories and Create a Lasting Boundary-Setting Mindset

    Acknowledge and celebrate your successes, no matter how small, as you progress on your boundary-setting journey. By focusing on the positive outcomes and personal growth that come with setting boundaries, you can create a self-reinforcing cycle that gradually makes the process feel more natural, effortless, and integrated into your daily life.

Step One: Identify Your Personal Boundary Saboteurs

Many of us want to hold stricter boundaries, both with ourselves and with others. This could include saying "no" to certain commitments, asserting ourselves when we're treated poorly or are uncomfortable with the direction of a conversation or project, or protecting our time for our highest priorities. However, we all have internal voices that create doubt or confusion when we're about to set a boundary. I call these our Boundary Saboteurs - each representing the mental chatter that disrupts our ability to protect our time, values, energy, and emotions.

There are six distinct Boundary Saboteurs (described below), and most people have one or more that are particularly strong for them. To identify your prominent Saboteurs:

  1. Take the Boundary Saboteur Assessment for initial insights

  2. Read the detailed descriptions of all six Saboteurs below

  3. Reflect on how these align with your experiences and assessment results

Understanding your Boundary Saboteurs can help reduce stress, prevent burnout, and create space for what matters most to you. Even the simple act of naming and recognizing your Saboteurs will diminish their power.

  • 1. The Harmonizer

    Characterized by a strong emotional sensitivity and a deep understanding of others' experiences, challenges, and motivations. The Harmonizer may struggle with setting boundaries and prioritize others' needs over their own to maintain harmony, avoid conflict, or feel emotionally connected and needed. They may have a tendency to excuse or overlook others' behavior due to their empathy and understanding of the underlying reasons. This could include a wide range of factors, such as personal baggage, past traumas, good intentions, a heavy workload, stress, or temporary mood swings. The Harmonizer's ability to see things from others' perspectives and grasp the complexities of their situations can lead to overextending emotional energy and compromising personal boundaries.

  • 2. The Prover

    Embodies the compulsion to prove one's worth through work, achievements, and the role of "doing." This saboteur is driven by a constant pressure to be productive and a deep-seated need to feel valuable and indispensable in a tangible, practical sense. The Performer may struggle with saying no to requests or opportunities, even when overextended, as they base their self-worth on their productivity, accomplishments, and the opinions of others. Perfectionism can fuel The Performer's desire to excel in their work, meet everyone's expectations, and showcase their capabilities, often leading to overworking and burnout. The Performer's need to feel needed is rooted in the desire for recognition and validation of their skills, efforts, and contributions.

  • 3. The Gripper

    Reflects the struggle with letting go due to an attachment to familiarity and safety. This can stem from a deep-seated fear of the unknown or a perceived need for security. This Boundary Saboteur manifests as holding onto people, situations, or habits past their expiration date, often out of a desire to maintain the status quo and avoid change. The Gripper may resist setting new boundaries or making changes, even when necessary for growth and well-being, because they find comfort in what feels known and predictable. They may struggle with trusting their own inner knowing about what's needed, leading to a tendency to grip tightly to what feels safe and familiar.

  • 4. The Overthinker

    Embodies the experience of mental pressure, uncertainty, and the constant search for clarity. This Boundary Saboteur is characterized by racing thoughts, endless questions, and a multitude of inputs to consider, without the ability to discern which ones truly matter. The Overthinker may struggle with analysis paralysis, endlessly weighing pros and cons or seeking more information before making decisions or setting boundaries. They may have a fear of making the wrong choice or not having enough clarity, leading to a tendency to ruminate and second-guess themselves. This mental pressure and uncertainty can result in a delay or avoidance of setting necessary boundaries. Additionally, the Overthinker often feels a strong mental pressure to figure out the "right" way to do things, believing that only they can do it correctly. This perfectionism makes it difficult for them to delegate or set boundaries around their responsibilities.

  • 5. The Pressurizer

    Represents an incessant push to be free from the worry of unresolved tasks. When working with others, you might agree or even volunteer to do a task so that it’s “checked off the to-do list” faster, or because that’s an easier or quicker way to relieve pressure than the time required to hold or negotiate a boundary. The Pressurizer also comes into play when you’re working on your own. For example, if you decide to set aside the afternoon for rest or to focus deeply on a high-priority task, but then an email comes in. Even if the email doesn't require an immediate response, the pressure to not having an undone task "hanging out" might lead you to reply immediately. This can happen even if your scarce time is better spent elsewhere.

  • 6. The Chameleon

    Characterized by a highly adaptable nature and a tendency to blend into different situations and expectations, often at the expense of maintaining a consistent set of personal values and boundaries. This Boundary Saboteur may struggle with having a clear understanding of their own priorities and what matters most to them, leading them to easily adopt the values and preferences of those around them. The Chameleon's adaptability and flexibility can be a strength in many situations, but when it comes to setting boundaries, it can lead to inconsistency and difficulty in knowing where to stand firm. This shape-shifting tendency can result in a lack of clarity about one's own desires and values, making it challenging to set and maintain boundaries that align with their authentic self.

A Note on Diverse Experiences with Boundaries

As you reflect on your Boundary Saboteurs, it's important to consider how your unique experiences and identities may influence your relationship with boundaries.

Setting and maintaining boundaries in the workplace can be especially challenging for individuals who have been marginalized or underestimated based on their identities. This includes, but is not limited to, dimensions such as race, ethnicity, gender, sexuality, disability, neurodiversity, socioeconomic status, and immigrant status. Additionally, those with mental health considerations, including anxiety, C-PTSD, and other conditions, may face unique hurdles in boundary-setting.

These challenges often stem from needing to "mask" (hiding or minimizing aspects of one's true self), worrying about imposter syndrome, facing greater penalties for saying “no,” and navigating complex social or cultural expectations. For those navigating these challenges: be patient with yourself and seek support. For everyone: cultivate empathy and understanding for colleagues who might struggle with boundaries for different reasons than your own.

Step Two: Explore Innovative Ways to Tackle Your Boundary Saboteurs

Engaging in creative exercises can help you gain deeper insights into your Boundary Saboteurs and develop new strategies for setting and maintaining boundaries. These techniques, drawn from various psychotherapeutic approaches, offer unique ways to explore your relationship with your Boundary Saboteurs.

If the idea of engaging in these exercises feels overwhelming, consider setting a timer for 10-30 minutes and dedicating that time to exploring one of these techniques. You might be surprised at what emerges, even in a short period, when you approach your Boundary Saboteurs with curiosity and creativity.

The most important thing is to approach these exercises with openness, self-compassion, and a willingness to explore new ways of relating to your Boundary Saboteurs. I recommend completing any of the exercises for one Boundary Saboteur at a time.

    • Visualize your Boundary Saboteur and sketch it as a character or symbol

    • Exaggerate its features or characteristics to emphasize its impact on your boundary-setting

    • Reflect on how this visual representation makes you feel and what insights it provides

    • Imagine your Boundary Saboteur as a separate entity and engage in a written or spoken dialogue with it

    • Ask your Boundary Saboteur questions about its motivations, fears, and beliefs

    • Express your own needs, desires, and boundaries in the conversation

    • Explore possibilities for finding common ground or reaching a compromise

    • Identify the negative thoughts or beliefs associated with your Boundary Saboteur

    • Challenge these thoughts by examining evidence for and against them

    • Generate alternative, more balanced thoughts that support your boundary-setting efforts

    • Practice replacing the negative thoughts with the reframed versions in real-life situations

    • When you notice your Boundary Saboteur arising, take a moment to pause and observe it with curiosity and non-judgment

    • Notice any physical sensations, emotions, or thoughts associated with the Boundary Saboteur

    • Acknowledge the presence of the Boundary Saboteur without getting caught up in its narrative

    • Gently redirect your attention back to your present moment experience and the boundary you wish to set

    • Choose a supportive friend, family member, or therapist to work with

    • Take turns playing the roles of yourself and your Boundary Saboteur

    • As your Boundary Saboteur, express its concerns, fears, and objections to setting boundaries

    • As yourself, practice assertively responding to the Boundary Saboteur and setting clear boundaries

    • Debrief with your partner and share insights and reflections from the exercise

    • Create a collage that represents your relationship with your Boundary Saboteur

    • Include images, words, or symbols that capture the challenges, emotions, and desires associated with boundary-setting

    • Reflect on the themes and patterns that emerge in the collage

    • Consider creating a second collage that represents your ideal relationship with boundaries and hang it somewhere visible as a reminder

Step Three: Combat Post-Boundary-Setting Anxiety

Setting boundaries is a crucial step in protecting our time, energy, and well-being. But for many of us, the real challenge begins after we've communicated our limits. Enter: Post-Boundary-Setting Anxiety. I came across the concept recently via psychologist Dr. George Sachs, and it seemed like the perfect way to describe that sinking feeling in your stomach, the nagging voice in your head, and the emotional discomfort that follows protecting your time, values, energy, or emotions.

Here's what it can look like:

  • We're met with silence or a non-response, and suddenly we're second-guessing ourselves

  • We experience a negative reaction, and the guilt feels overwhelming

  • Even if the boundary is accepted, we still feel shame and self-doubt

Post-Boundary-Setting Anxiety can be so intense that it leads us to undo the boundary we just set, sometimes almost immediately! We might take back our "no" before the other person even has a chance to respond. And if we do manage to stick to our plan? The lingering discomfort can make us hesitant to set boundaries in the future. We start to wonder if it's really worth all the emotional turmoil.

Preparing for Post-Boundary-Setting Anxiety

Before setting a boundary, take some time to prepare mentally and emotionally. This can help you feel more grounded and confident in your decision.

  • Capture the "why": Write down the reasons this boundary is important to you. Having a clear understanding of your motivations can help you stay firm in your resolve.

  • Anticipate potential responses: Think about how others might react to your boundary. Preparing for different scenarios can help you feel more in control and less caught off guard.

  • Practice assertive communication: Work on communicating your needs clearly, confidently, and directly. Use "I" statements and avoid apologizing or over-explaining.

Self-Care and Support for Post-Boundary-Setting Anxiety

Once you've set a boundary, it's essential to prioritize self-care and seek support to manage any anxiety or discomfort that arises.

  • Recognize uncomfortable feelings: Accept that guilt, shame, and self-doubt are natural parts of the process. Acknowledge these emotions without judgment.

  • Develop self-compassion: Reflect on personal factors or past experiences that may influence your feelings towards boundary-setting. Treat yourself with kindness and understanding.

  • Allow time for processing: Give yourself space to sit with your emotions before engaging in any "negotiations." It's okay to take a step back and regroup.

  • Seek support: Identify people in your life who can offer encouragement and validation when you're experiencing self-doubt. This could be colleagues, mentors, or friends.

  • Implement self-care practices: Engage in activities that help you feel grounded and recharged, such as exercise, mindfulness, or creative pursuits.

  • Build resilience: Embrace the understanding that not everyone will agree with your boundaries, and that's okay. Focus on what you need to feel safe and respected.

Step Four: Celebrate Your Victories and Create a Lasting Boundary-Setting Mindset 

Celebrating your victories, no matter how small, is a powerful way to create a lasting boundary-setting mindset. By focusing on your successes and the positive impact of setting boundaries, you'll gradually integrate this practice into your daily life, making it feel more natural and effortless over time. Here are some ways to celebrate your victories and cultivate a boundary-setting mindset:

  • Create a "no" club with trusted friends or colleagues to share experiences, offer support, and hold each other accountable in your boundary-setting efforts

  • Keep a boundary-setting journal to record your successes and reflect on how they make you feel

  • Develop a simple reward system, treating yourself to something small that brings you joy each time you set a boundary

  • Surround yourself with reminders of your "why" – the priorities and values that make setting boundaries important for your work and personal life

  • Continue to build awareness of your emotional landscape and any patterns in how you relate to others that may sabotage your goals, through therapy, coaching, books, podcasts, or other media that support self-exploration

Remember, cultivating a boundary-setting mindset takes time and practice. Be kind to yourself and celebrate your progress along the way. With consistency and self-compassion, you'll gradually transform boundary-setting from a challenging task into an empowering and natural part of your life.

Additional Resources

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